I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
