Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
