i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
