Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
