you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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