dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
