I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think I just shit out all my problems.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
