My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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