just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
