Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
