the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Who died my cat blue again?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
