I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
