im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
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Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
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His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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