She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
