so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
