Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
