Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
