shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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