i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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