i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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