im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
it's great music for shaving your balls
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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