You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
