im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
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I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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