I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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