i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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