I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
