Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
