i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
