im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
