She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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