Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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