life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
