Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
