she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Randomize
