you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
