My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
