Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
