I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
