At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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