I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
