Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
