Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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