I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
