Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
