Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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