I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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