The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
