A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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