I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
