Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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