somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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