Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
