Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
