i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
