What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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