At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
